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On motherhood and...Mornings


03.40 Wake up. Feed the baby in ‘side lying position’. Wonder why this is significantly easier on one side than the other. Are my nipples wildly asymmetrical?
03.50 Put baby back down, thanking Jesus that she is the world’s most enthusiastic and efficient eater. She is the Jay Rayner of babies.
03:55 Nod off.
04.00 Wake up and flail madly about, grabbing randomly at the duvet, convinced the baby is still in the middle of the bed. Discover her in the cot, where I put her ten minutes ago.
06.00 Baby has done a poo. I have made a solemn vow to wake C if the baby needs a change in the night. I do so. He asks whether it can wait until his alarm goes off in 15 minutes. I say it can.
06.10 Wracked with guilt, I decide it cannot. C changes baby.
06.15 I’m fully awake now and I need a wee. If i get out of bed will it be annoying that I didn’t just change her myself? It will, but I must.
06.17 On loo reminiscing about sitting in this very spot five weeks ago, in labour. Remember calling hospital up from toilet to discuss waters breaking. Feel very fondly about the toilet and bathroom in general.
06.20 Feed baby on the difficult side. When babies are trying to locate the nipple they open their mouths very wide in what is known as a ‘gape’. It is like being ambushed by a tiny, gummy Venus fly trap. No one comes out of this looking very dignified.
08.00 Snoozing in bed with baby now C has gone to work. The cat is at the bedroom door. Forced to let her in as meowing is too plaintive to sleep through.
08.01 Cat has developed selective blindness, e.g. a perverse and deliberate inability to see the baby, who is flailing about on the bed. Cat steps on baby, possibly on purpose. Cat is escorted out.
08.30 Attempt shower while baby is chattering away to herself in her cot. Wash everything at top speed, including hair. Perform this feat so fast that possibly nothing is entirely clean.
08.34 Dash out of the shower when I hear baby crying, getting water all over the hall. It is not baby crying, it is auto-tuned singing on 6 Music.
09.00 Make breakfast. Decide on porridge even though everything must be achieved one-handed as baby is asleep over my shoulder, like a heavy bald parrot, and we do not have a microwave. Immediately regret this decision.
09.30 Watch several episodes of Gilmore Girls and consume trillions of cups of tea, while wearing the baby on my shoulder almost constantly. This continues on a loop for two hours.
12:00 Everybody goes back upstairs for a nap. Lie on bed, listening to baby snore. Cat is snoring too. Read 1.5 pages of Serious Novel. Consider all the things I could achieve while the baby naps.
12.01 Fall asleep.

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