Why having a six-week old is like being a tour
manager to a successful and demanding rock goddess…
Venues
Unless you happen to live within spitting distance of your entire extended families, you will need to tour the baby to venues around the country. Much like hotel rooms, these must be equipped with beds and baths. Unlike (most) hotel rooms (unless very niche), they also need changing mats and a shit ton of baby wipes.
Unless you happen to live within spitting distance of your entire extended families, you will need to tour the baby to venues around the country. Much like hotel rooms, these must be equipped with beds and baths. Unlike (most) hotel rooms (unless very niche), they also need changing mats and a shit ton of baby wipes.
Food and drink
Like the best rock ‘n’ roll stars, babies need a rider. If you’re breastfeeding, that rider is you. Your presence must be guaranteed 24-7 in order to satisfy this needy little high priestess of rock. Ironically, drinking like a rock star yourself is not recommended. Probably tour managers also need to maintain a measure of sobriety in the face of excess.
Like the best rock ‘n’ roll stars, babies need a rider. If you’re breastfeeding, that rider is you. Your presence must be guaranteed 24-7 in order to satisfy this needy little high priestess of rock. Ironically, drinking like a rock star yourself is not recommended. Probably tour managers also need to maintain a measure of sobriety in the face of excess.
Bodily fluids
I don’t know if tour managers have to deal with musicians who have shat themselves. I imagine they do.
I don’t know if tour managers have to deal with musicians who have shat themselves. I imagine they do.
Transport
You might only have a Hyundai I10, tin can of the road, but through a combination of luxury seating, dim lights and a toy delightfully named ‘Captain Calamari’, your baby will feel like she is travelling in first class style. Meanwhile, you’ll have all your worldly possessions stacked on and around your legs because, as previously mentioned, you drive a tin can and the boot is full of pram.
You might only have a Hyundai I10, tin can of the road, but through a combination of luxury seating, dim lights and a toy delightfully named ‘Captain Calamari’, your baby will feel like she is travelling in first class style. Meanwhile, you’ll have all your worldly possessions stacked on and around your legs because, as previously mentioned, you drive a tin can and the boot is full of pram.
Limelight
Like the best tour managers, once you have delivered the star to her adoring public, you will need to be happy slinking away into the background while she does her thing. You can watch on proudly from the wings while everyone she encounters wants to hug her, smile at her, and generally court her attentions – only stopping short of asking her for an autograph. You didn’t think they were interested in seeing you, did you?
Like the best tour managers, once you have delivered the star to her adoring public, you will need to be happy slinking away into the background while she does her thing. You can watch on proudly from the wings while everyone she encounters wants to hug her, smile at her, and generally court her attentions – only stopping short of asking her for an autograph. You didn’t think they were interested in seeing you, did you?
Pride
I have never met a tour manager, as this post will no doubt confirm, but I would think it’s a much easier job if you like the band and want to see them shine. Certainly dealing with their midnight tantrums and aversion to using seat belts must be easier if you actually like the little so and sos. And then you get to see the adoration they engender in the people they’ve come to see, which makes it all more than worthwhile. After all, at least babies don’t smuggle Class A drugs in their handbags or fall into bed with underage groupies. At least, I hope they don’t. We’ve got a lot of touring still to go.
I have never met a tour manager, as this post will no doubt confirm, but I would think it’s a much easier job if you like the band and want to see them shine. Certainly dealing with their midnight tantrums and aversion to using seat belts must be easier if you actually like the little so and sos. And then you get to see the adoration they engender in the people they’ve come to see, which makes it all more than worthwhile. After all, at least babies don’t smuggle Class A drugs in their handbags or fall into bed with underage groupies. At least, I hope they don’t. We’ve got a lot of touring still to go.
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